Thanatophobia (Death anxiety)

Well it's another sey subject you just can't wait to here about.

I am a massive hypochondriac and I know that. I am getting better at realising it but somehow it's always there.

In the last year I have genuinely felt like I was about to die about 5 times. All reasonableness ignored on weather this was true.

I do suffer with constant annoying acid reflux all the time which when I think about it is obviously (in my mind) some kind of cancer. Even though I have had an endoscopy which found a small hiatel hernia. I have thought I was about to have a heart attack twice and ended up in hospital once. (I still think I was having one) if I get the slightest neck pain  or head ache it is definitely a stroke.

My latest one is when I am in bed I am sure I can feel a lump in my abdomen. (Which is I am pretty sure a spring in my bed) so I prod it till it hurts and then I have a sore lump in my abdomen which is even worse.

I have been checked by the doctor apart from slightly high liver function (I think because I am fat) which in my mind is liver or bowel cancer. I have to get this retested which I am putting off out of fear! (I know I am an idiot).

Why am a scared of dying. Well it's simple. I want to be here for Freya. I want to see her grow up and be able to support her. Am I really scared of dying. I don't think I am. What I fear is leaving Shell and the kids without me.

They are the reason I wake up and the reason I work. I live for them. I am at university at 38 to try and provide them with a better life. I want them to have nice things and great experiences.

So in honesty I am doing better. I can go months now instead of days without seeing a doctor. I realise this is all part of my ongoing battle with my mental heath but it's still hard to overcome.

I try to be mindful and am trying to be more healthy in my lifestyle choices.

Well glad I cheered you all up

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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