A bit of a dip

Hello. It has been a while since i blogged and thungs have been going well until recently. I have had a major dip in mood and my stress anxiety and depression are back with avengance.

I am struggling to focus and keep motivated. Luckily i noticed my symptoms sooner this time and managed to get to the doctors. After a quick referral to psychological i started treatment yesterday. I am in a dark place and feel lower than in years.

While i have been here before this time i also have the knowlege that i have climbed out of this hole before. I will keep you informed and let you know how i am getting on.

Remember its ok to talk you can get through and things can get better.

Stat safe, Speak soon

Russ

A little more reflecting

Hi how are you doing. I mean that comment and let me know its important to me

Well today i have finally got round to starting to sort the thousands of photos from the round Britain trip. Looking through them brings back some amazing memories. Like when we played pirates in scappa flow and the time we disowned big al for being a turn coat. All great memories. I wish by some amazing fluke i had got a photo of the lightening strike (apparently known as devils scorn but i cant find a reference t confirm it). There were sunsets and sun rises that are burned into my soul and will never leave me.  I have got some pretty cool photos and loads of great footage but its taking much longer to organise than i first thought it would.

As there is so much and i'm a nightmare on Facebook i thought i would set up a page with all my media type stuff could be posted. link is here

https://www.facebook.com/TheRussPollard/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

If you want to then please follow it.

I am a changed person and for me it feels like its for the better some of the people around me may not think so but i refuse to become what i was before this experience. I felt like a shadow and i struggled with lots of what life threw at me. This challenge has made things much more simple and things are less of a worry. When you feel well life can throw you curve balls but with your feet firmly on the ground you just hit them back.

well I'v droned on enough today

stay safe, Speak soon

Russ

Day 3

We slipped ropes as planned and under the kindest blue sky we sailed out of falmoth. The sails unfurled in the light wind and the engine provided a comforting hum keeping us on course.

Moral was high and the team were teaching us how to control the sails. The engine stopped and the golden sound of motion from the wind embraced the crew and a sense of euphoria kicked in. After a few moments of pure joy. I realised the engine was not stopped deliberately. It had infact failed. The Spirt was making way undersail but our engine had failed.

The challenge of what we were about to do was suddenly clear. This is not just a holiday on a boat. After some some time in the engine room utilising knowlege from my service it was clear we needed a new part.  With dropping winds spirit was really only drifting. Our other two boats the september and quivera majestically  sailed around us bringing the feeling of comfort only brought by good friends. The moral on board instead of plumiting impoved. The crew took control and guided us threw what was needed. Everything was calm and everyone was happy as we were towed back into falmouth by the RNLI under the cover of darkness.

We were back along side in falmouth and if i were to say the spirit sighed with a chuckle under her breath you would not belive me. She is a wiley old girl making sure we are worthy of her company as she undertakes this journey of a lifetime. Maybe she though we had gone the wrong way out of the harbour when we turned left after all we should have probably turned to starboard. 

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

Raise the main sail

I have spent the last few days pretending I'm a pirate. Well that's not exactly true. I have been down in Falmouth on a familiarisation trip. I spent 3 nights living on board "The Spirt of Falmouth" A tall ship belonging to Turn to starboard a Military charity helping retrain ex soldiers for a career as a yacht master.

They do so much more than that which could be almost impossible to write down and quantify. I came away on Saturday with sense of well being I have not had in years. I had started to come out of my shell and started to feel like myself.

While out on the water the worlds problems melted into the sea and I was untroubled. Time between moving sails left time for mindfulness and it was nice to be in the moment. The sense of belonging from just being on the boat while it was along side (I never knew that was the term for being at the marina until now) gave me a place I felt secure.

The lads who were on the boat, who have been with the charity for a while, were outstanding hosts. As were the office staff and volunteers that I met.

The experienced guys who joined us made it so we were always supported during any activity on deck. Of all the things I have done to help my personal mental health, this has had the biggest impact over the shortest time.

During the summer I am part of a team that are circumnavigating the British coastline with Turn to starboard. Thay are always looking for funding and donations so if you think you can help out then please get in touch with them so they can help more people. My issues around reajusting to civilian life are nothing in comparison with many of the people they help. It leaves me feeling like a fraud. I dont feel like i should even be allowed in the same room as these guys. I really have nothing to moan about in comparison. It really helped to put things in prespective. I really should just get over myself.

You can give here

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=RussellPollardroundBritain

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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My big "blue" tool kit

Hopefully you made it through blue Monday intact yesterday. I had planned in advance to be busy so was okay

What next blue Monday is gone but y he nights are still and the weather still cold.

For me it's about focus. I like to set aside time to be glum. I know it's sound daft but I know the gloom is always just over my shoulder so instead of running or hiding from it I like to accept that it is there and give it 20 minutes every now and again. In doing that I take its power sometimes I even laugh about it.

Don't get me wrong it sneaks up on me and derails my plans from time to time but on the whole I know it's there but own it. I use it to fuel my creative side.

Being creative however you feel is a really good way to express your feelings. I write scripts or short stories mainly. Other people I know paint or do crafts or make music.

It is important to look and see if there is something for you.

If it's not creative it could be sport or another hobbie. It could be a combination of all of these. The most important thing is to build yourself a good toolbox that can support you.

For me mindfulness is key 3 dedicated 15 minute spots a day without fail. I brake them down into a physical check in the morning followed by a mental check around lunchtime. Then before bed I like to process my day. I try to pick 3 good things a day out and relive them in my head.

Sometimes good can be "I managed to get up" sometimes it might be "I won an Oscar" (okay that's not true, I always get overlooked for Oscars like De caprio)

I think you get my point in finding the victories in the day. If you find them it sets up tomorrow. It kind of spirals into better days, Better mood and Bigger plans. It's self propagating.

This is just how I do it. Another key skill is "turn your phone off" beds are for sleeping not stalking ex's on Facebook; or reading random blog posts.

Well that's it for now

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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Dealing with blue Monday

Did that blue Monday even existed.

It is easy to see why this would be a pretty low week for people. It's the end of the month so money is low. It's dark on the way to work and on the way home. That's enough to make most people glum

Well what can you do to pick yourself.

First thing I did was book onto a fitness class tonight at 7 that gives me something to look forward to.

Then I picked out a new radio station to listen to today I chose absolute 90s which has played some classics that have really picked me up.  Try listening to something new.

My next plan was planning my food for the day I know I have a curry to look forward to after my gym class.

mindfulness has played a big part in my day ensuring I am checking in new with myself during the day.

I have started to plan out and fill my week as I know if I get time for procrastination I will hit a spiral. That does not mean being busy all the time but it means have planned inactivity. Watch TV, reading a book.

I suggest reading a book and getting involved in #boysownbookclub. Have a look at my previous bolg post about it.

Anyway let me know how you are getting on and take care of yourself

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

Decoration salvation - the trusty old zip tie

Well today the girls went out while I cracked on with the diy

I filled all the old screw holes and painted the newly plastered ceiling it looks quite nice now really just need to get cracking with the wall paper now.

While doing the ceiling today the handle on my roller snapped. This was a major issue until I thought back to my time in the army and realised zip ties can fix anything. See attached photo for engineering solution.

I really want the front room finished next weekend. It can't keep dragging on it will start to impact my study time for university.

Uni is feeling quite stressful at the moment which is the first time it has. I have about 6500 words worth of essays to write but just can't face it. Really just need to crack on.

My food intake is going well and not slipped with the binge session for 4 days. It must be a record. My mental health feels good just feel like I have loads of uni stuff to do. 

Tomorrow going out for tea for my mum's birthday. 

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

My 11 guests

Thinking about this I had to consider if the people would get along or if they would hate each other this made it impossible to ask my top guests. Then I thought it was my dinner party so I would just assume they would get along and that they would all speak English.

1. Jim Bradford - he was my best friend while in the army and I don't see him enough so any excuse. He would also be someone to talk to if the rest turned out to be really dull.

2. John peel - he is a bit of a hero of mine and it would be great to talk to him about music

3. Anne hatherway - she is an outstanding actor. I think she would be really interesting plus her smile is so big it would be easy to gage if she was having a good time.

4. Stacey Dooley - I love her honest niaviety and how she seems unphazed by the situation and more interested the individual than the whole.

5. Prince Harry - let's face it he know how to have a good time. Plus I would like to talk about his time in the army.

6. Dave Grimshaw - he was my lecturer last year and retired over the summer. I found a mentor and miss him a little. Although his replacement is doing a sterling job.

7. James cordan - I would love to talk about is career path and generally try and get a smiffy style rant out of him

8. Julie Andrews - who would not want Mary popping at their dinner party.

9. My nan on my dad's side - She sounded like a spirited woman who I never had the fortune to meet

10. My niece Ella - as I am very proud of her and would love to see her taking the fact that she is speaking to people who should be dead in her stride.

11. Freddie Mercury - well Ella would love that and he would be great for entertainment after dinner

12. Kate aide - she saw some shit going down. It would be good to hear her stories

Well that's my 12 like I said it can be anyone living or dead. There are loads of people you should invite but remember it's your dinner party don't feel pressured. There is the whole mother Teresa Nelson Mandela thing but it's my party and I am choosing

Let me know yours.

On another point my real favorite is with shell and the kids but I am pretty sure she would understand if I got invited to that party. She is good like that

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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Worlds best Dinner party

Who would you invite to a dinner party?

So A formal dinner with you and 11 guests. You can choose anyone living or dead but need reasons.

I will work on mine you work on yours I will let you know mine later.

105 kg - 178cm = me

Well its official I am obese. My BMI is at 33ish. I am over 16 stone and should be around 12 stone. So that's the target 4.5 stone loss.

It's not easy when you think about my eating issues but that is just an excuse really.

So how am I going to do it. I have thought up my own diet plan. It's called the "move more, eat less plan" it does exactly what it says on the tin. I will let you know how I get on from time to time. If I reach my target I will have a party.

What is a realistic target? I think about 2 lbs a week to start with then it will slow down as I get closer to my target.

I might take a start and end photo but not really sure yet weather I could face the world seeing it. Plus on a real level who needs to see fat Russ photos. Maybe there is some kind of fetish group out there.

Am in work later on 12:15 - 14:15. I am considering doing jump fit again tonight. Not sure yet though. Might be a good idea but don't want to burn the idea out and end up not going at all. It's a bit like January gym memberships burn out.

Later that day..........

Well I decided not go and do something I a stood around in the cold for a couple of hours this afternoon so I just need to walm up.

Done well with my food today so far.

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

Motivation lacking, faith questioning?

I don't have any lectures on a Wednesday. Today I planned to start glossing the hall and landing. Start work on another essay. I managed to watch telly. I did turn my computer on  so big points for me there. Win.

It's been a strange day. I got a message off someone I know vaugly. I have always thought them a nice person but never really had the chance to get to know them. We had a short discussion about mental health and faith/church.

This is all a bit deep for me but I have been questioning my faith a lot recently as over the last 8 years I don't think I have visited a church apart from a wedding. I have not prayed since I left the army. Then a couple of weeks ago I started praying again. I asked for the strength to be a better man. I have been asking the same since. Then today I got a message from someone who I barely know offering me words of support and helpping me re open the internal reflection with my relationship with my faith. It just seemed a bit spooky.

This afternoon I went out for lunch and then had a hospital appointment. I am going to have a few tests and see how things are. I don't think there is much wrong with me that loosing some weight would not fix. (Obviously I do think I am ill and about to die but I am trying to fool myself, shhhhh don't tell me)

So tomorrow I am going for some blood tests. Hooray that will be fun.

We bought an Aldi smoothie maker today which I thought would be rubbish but it's pretty good to be honest.

This evening we have had a meeting about the restructure at work which just feel a bit intimidating to be back in this process again. I won't talk about that at the moment. As it's a sore point really the way I feel on the subject.

Then this evening before bed I watched heartbreak ridge. You gotta love gunny highways method of preparing his troops.

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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Turn and face the strange

"Turn and face the strange"

Let's take that statement and roll with it.

Change is a part of life and even the force exerted in fighting change is in itself a change to your normal habits.

I have struggled with change in the past. The last 2 occasions I have had major significant change I really struggled. My mental and physical heath took a pounding. Now not so much I have learnt to embrace change.

Iv not just rolled over to the inevitability of in just change I still fight and try to stop the growing wave of change that removes our rights.

I am currently undergoing big change in my own life with more government cutbacks effecting my job again. I have only just come to terms with the last round.

The change that I will be taking time to reflect on today is the death of David Bowie.

Can music change you?

I think it can feed your soul which can be a catalyst for change on our journey through life.

What do you think? Let me know

I will leave you with this

"The truth is of course is that there is no journey. We are arriving and departing all at the same time."

David Bowie

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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Thanatophobia (Death anxiety)

Well it's another sey subject you just can't wait to here about.

I am a massive hypochondriac and I know that. I am getting better at realising it but somehow it's always there.

In the last year I have genuinely felt like I was about to die about 5 times. All reasonableness ignored on weather this was true.

I do suffer with constant annoying acid reflux all the time which when I think about it is obviously (in my mind) some kind of cancer. Even though I have had an endoscopy which found a small hiatel hernia. I have thought I was about to have a heart attack twice and ended up in hospital once. (I still think I was having one) if I get the slightest neck pain  or head ache it is definitely a stroke.

My latest one is when I am in bed I am sure I can feel a lump in my abdomen. (Which is I am pretty sure a spring in my bed) so I prod it till it hurts and then I have a sore lump in my abdomen which is even worse.

I have been checked by the doctor apart from slightly high liver function (I think because I am fat) which in my mind is liver or bowel cancer. I have to get this retested which I am putting off out of fear! (I know I am an idiot).

Why am a scared of dying. Well it's simple. I want to be here for Freya. I want to see her grow up and be able to support her. Am I really scared of dying. I don't think I am. What I fear is leaving Shell and the kids without me.

They are the reason I wake up and the reason I work. I live for them. I am at university at 38 to try and provide them with a better life. I want them to have nice things and great experiences.

So in honesty I am doing better. I can go months now instead of days without seeing a doctor. I realise this is all part of my ongoing battle with my mental heath but it's still hard to overcome.

I try to be mindful and am trying to be more healthy in my lifestyle choices.

Well glad I cheered you all up

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

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First steps with the book clubs

It's quite easy to have ideas but it's really hard to get traction on them and to build momentum.

This whole idea comes from a report by https://www.literacytrust.org.uk it explains the massive gap in literacy between boys and girls.

While the whole idea is about enjoying reading it's also really important that this idea makes it into the public conciseness. This well help to perpetuate the idea of reading in young males.

So share and #boysownbookclub along with ideas of book that you enjoyed as a teenager as well as getting yourself back into the habit of reading.

Stay safe, speak soon

Russ

So lonely

I have realised in recent weeks how lonely I am. I am happy with my life on the whole and the time I spend with my family is magical. The issue is I lack any kind of social life. I have found myself on a downward spiral again where I have started to isolate myself from the world. I know people but that's as far as it goes.

I am not sure if I keep my distance as a defence mechanism for me or the protect other people from my issues. I guess it's a bit of both.

I am looking forward to getting back to university at the end of September. I think I might try to make more of a effort on the social side this year. Although swaning around with a bunch of 20 year old really makes me feel my age.

I am struggling to get back to hockey as I am struggling to be around groups of people again which is really annoying me.

Anyway

Catch you later Speak soon